Allow me to start off saying that when I call you my friend, I have every intention of this being a lifelong commitment. Friendships are one of the best natural events that take place as a result of simply being born and I take them very seriously and never for granted. While I do value friendships with such high regard, I do know that life happens and yes there are some deal breakers...but even deal breakers deserve an explanation...or at least some sort of conclusion...
I wish I could name everyone I have ever called a "friend". But I can't. That's my fault for using that word so loosely. It has gotten better as I have gotten older. Now the problem is the "friends" have gotten PhD's in Disguising. Foe...or...?... I don't know. And I'm left not knowing because the opposite of "friend" doesn't necessarily mean "foe"...it could mean.......I don't know, but if I had a word for it, that's what it would be.
I won't say that I'm always the best friend a person could have, but I try my best. I'm far from perfect and I mess up sometimes. I do find truth and comfort in knowing that I am loyal, dependable, a great listener and when I dedicate myself to a friendship, or call someone a friend, I mean it. Through thick and thin. To hell and back again. For the lowest of the lows to the highest of the highs, my intentions are good and my heart is pure and I will always stay true to that friend...and the relationship. But I don't always find that in return.
This year alone two of my "friendships" have ended. Different reasons-and I won't go into detail about either- but at the end of the day I am forced to look at the common denominator, me. What could I have said/done differently? Maybe if I would've...Maybe I could've...I guess I should've... Well, if I think like that, I probably wouldn't be true to who I am...or what I believe in and what I stand for... *Follow me because, I don't want anyone to think that I'm being hypocritical or "above anyone or any situation" about me going against my "what if's" because as stated before, I'm not perfect, so I do realize I have faults and I can admit to them but the reason why I say I wouldn't be true to who I am is because...
...whatever it was that I said or did...especially in that moment, whether an argument or disagreement, whatever...I meant it. How the friend was affected by it and could we have talked about it/gotten through it? Well...initially both situations were never discussed. Which is where my dilemma comes in. Since when aren't "friends" able to talk out their issues? Granted, one of those situations has since been discussed and we both agreed it was best we kept moving in separate directions (which I can respect and intend to remain cordial if/when ever face to face again). But an abrupt end to a friendship leaves me uneasy. A lot of unanswered questions and really I reflect on how true the "friendship" was. I'm now kinda left to draw my own conclusions and make peace within myself and move on...and when I move on...that is exactly what I do.
So now I'm here...fresh off the second of the two "friendships" ending. Making peace with myself and the situation for what it is. And moving on. It's unfortunate because I pride myself on having the best friends...and in reality, I know I do have the best friends...because they're still around. I don't know, maybe I have too much faith in friends, too high of standards and expectations... (although, I don't think I ask for much--NOR do I expect anything more from a friend than I am willing to give). To be straightforward, I just hate losing friends. Especially when I've invested so much of myself into it. But I guess that's the way it goes sometimes.
Just as loyal as I am to a friendship, I behave the exact same in regard to moving past a situation. I would never speak negative or shed light on the past. I have no future comments or opinions on them-their name or likeness-not my style. It is a chapter that has ended and for everything it was worth, I got something useful from it.
God is love. Love is family + friends.
Mel
